012: You can do hard things
Love, Dad, is a real-life series of ongoing letters to my children. While these letters are intended to be read later in life, I feel that many of us — parents and non-parents alike — connect with the stories, lessons and moments that shape our relationships with those we love and ourselves.
-Dan
Hi again,
Think back to a time when you had to do something hard; something you either weren’t sure you knew how to do, or you were uncertain it was something you could do.
How did you react? What feelings did it bring up? What were your mental and physical reactions to the challenge?
We’ve been through this millions (maybe not millions, but you get the idea) of times together. If we use, for example, learning to write letters or write full sentences, these were often the outcomes:
Outcome 1: Uncertain and uninterested. An instant change in posture when the topic is introduced. Slouched shoulders, head nods forward, pencil grip weakens. Passive writing, sloppy letters, thin letterforms. Frustration, scribbled paper, thrown pencil. You run off.
Outcome 2: Uncertain, but confident. Engaged with the topic, sitting up straight and listening well. Some resistance to getting it done. Good grip, bold lines, strong start. But it isn’t quite right. A line too far, a word misspelled. Frustration. Tossed a pencil, some negative self-talk. But you didn’t quit. You tried and tried again.
It’s the end that I’d like you to pay most attention to. We can always change our approach; those things are easy. But the end is what takes the most effort.
Did you run off? Or did you try again?
Throughout the day, we face countless moments that push us out of our comfort zone. Most of these moments will probably seem insignificant, but with each tiny step, you prove to yourself and train your mind that you are resilient and you can do hard things.
Remember that. The tiny moments train your mind and your body for the big moments.
Showing resilience is about adapting. It’s about facing challenges head-on and bouncing back and becoming a stronger version of yourself.
And it’s hard. Because you can’t “teach” resilience. You have to learn it the hard way. By doing hard things. By doing simple, but uncomfortable things. By falling and getting back up. By failing and learning from that failure. By doing the hard things.
Over the years, I’ve put together a loose framework for how I think about life’s moments and tasks. I started noticing these patterns in the Army and have continued to apply them through all facets of life. I’ve come to think of hard things in a few categories:
Something I have to do: These are things you must do; you don’t have a choice. They must be completed to move to the next step. Homework, job-related tasks, etc.
Something I want to do: These are things I choose to do for my own growth. They don’t necessarily have to be done, but I want to do them to grow and learn and challenge myself. Learning the guitar, writing, exercise, etc.
Something I get to do; These are things that define who I am, they make me who I am and they amplify things I want to do. Being a dad, being a husband, etc.
The “aha” moment for me was during a long ruck in the Army. We rucked overnight, my pack was dreadfully heavy and I was soaked to the bone from the rain. Near the end, the rain let up, and the clouds parted, and I looked up and saw a full moon (it sounds like a movie). In that moment, the doubt, pain and struggle I’d felt for most of the night vanished and I realized I was lucky to be able to move like that and amazed that I kept putting one foot in front of the other. And from that point on I never looked at rucking as something I “had” to do, but as something I wanted to do because it made me feel good, because it made me stronger and because it was hard.
One foot in front of the other… remember that.
”Hard” is subjective. If I think about my day, an “easy” example might be making the bed. Is it a pain and something we have to do start of the day? Sure. But the simple act of doing it, whether I want to or not, is an early lesson in doing things I don’t want to do.
Now for a “hard” example. It’s the end of the day (the 6-7 p.m. witching hour), and I’ve been at work since 8 and didn’t finish until 5:30. On back-to-back meetings without a meaningful break, helping people through their work, all while my to-do list and emails pile up. I’m not feeling great and my nerves are frayed. My nervous system is telling me to shut down. And then I hear the struggle downstairs. I know what I’m getting myself into… you’re both cranky from being cooped up inside, there’s homework to do, but you’d rather play Legos or color. Mom is trying to get dinner ready and I can hear the tension in her voice from the constant interruptions.
Trust me, I’d rather hide upstairs and “work.” But I can’t do that. Switching from work-me to dad-and-husband-me has to happen. I know this is something I can do, but I also know I’m tapped from the day and won’t be at my best (far from it). It’s going to be hard. But I do it… not always well, but I do it. Some nights we muddle through, but most nights we come out on the other side happy, laughing and feeling mutual accomplishment for doing homework, making a yummy dinner and squeezing in some good play time. It’s hard, but I do it. We do it together.
Doing hard things and being resilient set you apart and make you feel GOOD. I’ve seen it from the military through corporate America and parenting. If you’re resilient, you can do almost anything. And most of the time, you come out on the other side feeling confident and unstoppable.
You won’t always get it right, but you won’t always get it wrong. It’s not about being the best, it’s about being consistent and showing you have the fortitude and desire to continue to learn and push yourself to think differently, keep learning and keep moving forward.
Until next time.
Love,
Dad
Written Feb. 9, 2026